Narcissism and the Trauma of Narcissistic Abuse

We increasingly hear the term ‘narcissist’. In this individualistic, materialistic culture of selfies and social media, it has become a casual and trendy buzzword. But what does it really mean? The truth is that the concept of narcissism spans a continuum. It can be beneficial to a degree, allowing us to have enough self-esteem and confidence to pursue our goals and achieve our potential. At the other end of the spectrum, it involves extreme personality traits such as lack of empathy, grandiosity and attention-seeking behaviour. A truly narcissistic individual struggles in their day-to-day functioning and can maintain only superficial relationships.  

Narcissism and its Origins

It is hard to have empathy for extreme narcissists but the truth is that they tend to come from unstable and emotionally fraught backgrounds themselves. Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood. The irony is that despite showing an outwardly strong personality, deep down these individuals suffer from profound alienation, emptiness and lack of meaning. In the Greek myth, Narcissus dies of sorrow at his lonely, cut-off existence.

Narcissistic Abuse in the Family

The most common trait of a narcissistic parent is a lack of empathy for the feelings and thoughts of their child. The atmosphere from moment to moment in this kind of household hinges on the mood of the caregiver. A role reversal takes place whereby the child must meet the emotional demands of the adult rather than vice versa.  These children are constantly having to suppress their own desires in order to please the parent. But trying to placate the narcissist is an impossible task and the child ends up being treated with contempt anyway. The result is that the child internalises a sense of shame in the belief that he/she has failed to live up to parental expectations. These children constantly tread on eggshells and have little choice but to surrender to the narcissist’s control or risk igniting their rage.

Never Good Enough: A Child’s Perspective

The experience of childhood trauma of this nature can have a major impact on the psyche of the adult children of narcissists.  In later life, these individuals may feel deeply insecure and suffer from low self-esteem – this is unsurprising having been told constantly that they were not good enough. Such adults may also struggle with personal identity issues, not knowing who they are or what they want out of life. He/she may only feel self-worth in relation to the emotional needs of others; indeed, the need to please others may be taken to extreme lengths in adult relationships. Having experienced a constant barrage of criticism and judgement, it may be a struggle to form intimate relationships and to believe in one’s own intrinsic value.   

Starting the Healing Process…

It may take decades before the child of a narcissist parent can begin to make sense of their disturbing childhood but good therapy can help you attain a clearer view of what happened for you back then as well as what may be going on for you now. Contrary to what you have been told, you are not to blame for what happened. Accompanied by your therapist, you can embark on a personal journey to illuminate how you are in the world now and how you would like to be in future. Going at your own pace, therapy can encourage you to believe in your own truth and perceptions within a safe and supportive environment.

Author: FTCC Psychotherapist and Counsellor, Sarah McDowall